(My friend Libby is in the hospital. Hopefully this will generate some healing laughter for her. Please click on the donate link to the right to make a donation to the Libby Fund to help her and her family with expenses while she is healing and unable to work.)
You all have been very sweet, supportive and curious about how my gluten-almond-vanilla-beef-pineapple-bean-cow dairy-chicken egg-etcetera-free diet is going.
The short answer is: It’s going well. I get momentarily derailed by the sight of a giant pizza, a tres leches with guava birthday cake or my mother-in-law’s beef stew, but I quickly recover and grab a piece of gluten-egg-dairy free corn bread spread with peanut butter and honey and a cold goat milk leche con cafe. It’s actually been pretty easy.
A detail I didn’t share before is that I am also rubbing three types of hormone creams on my skin…progesterone, estrogen and testosterone. My hormones tested pretty low, thus the recommendation by my doctors that I boost their levels topically.
Which brings me to a funny story. Our land realtor’s name is Donny, and before we had even met him, he received a message from his broker asking him to call The Goat Cheese Lady. Unfortunately for Donny’s mental status, he heard The Goatee Lady. After finally meeting him, introducing myself and presenting him with my bone shattering goat milker hand shake, his first words were: “You don’t look much like a Goatee Lady!”
Well, Donny, that appears to be in question these days.
While standing at the sink a few weeks ago, doing my periodic facial hair check, I identified and tweezed the one pesky neck hair that began growing in long, thick and black a couple of years ago. A sign of aging, I’m sure. My grandmother used to beg me to promise that if she was ever unable, I would pluck her chin hairs. I did that for her every time I saw her. Since noticing the growth of my solitary neck hair, I had already been planning the conversation with my own granddaughter – “Honey, I have this one neck hair that has been growing ever since I was 37, please pluck it for me if you ever notice it reaching my collar.”
That was my planned plea to my futurely loving granddaughter up until a couple of weeks ago, when I plucked the neck hair, then a right chin hair, then a left chin hair, then 4 other chin hairs. “Hmmm!” I thought to myself, “I’m aging faster than I thought!” That is, until I realized this might be testosterone induced facial hair. Soon, I may really have a goatee. I’ll fit in well with my chosen animal companions.
(I have begun to put more and more thought into getting some car tweezers. You know, the ones you wish you had when you pull up to a stop light, thoughtfully put a hand to your chin, and get poked by an inappropriately sharp chin hair.)
But it gets worse.
Just yesterday while I was sitting down, I found myself gazing at my toes. At the base of each big toe, there was hair. Quite a bit of hair. Now, as my childhood friend Shannon may recall, I have always, for some reason, had a bit of toe hair. She always wondered WHY I didn’t SHAVE it! Well, because I shave my LEGS! Not my TOES! Then in early adulthood, I realized my toes had balded. They no longer showed evidence of their previous condition. Which is why, as you can certainly imagine, I was shocked yesterday when it jumped to my attention that I have toe hair nearly long enough to braid.
Apparently, something I’m doing is promoting growth of facial and toe hair. The minute a chest hair sprouts, you’ll know about it. And if you call to schedule a class and a man answers calling himself The Goatee Lady, you’ll know it’s me.
– The Goat Cheese Lady
P.P.S. The excess hair is totally worth it. The foods I’ve eliminated and the hormones I’ve added are giving me more energy. I’ll do anything for that. Even give up vanilla.