Well, it’s breeding time again, and this year’s show immediately turned out better than last year’s sit-on-the-sidelines-waiting-for-some-action flop.
Remember last year? We took Canela and Lucy to a farm to be bred, with our only breeding experience being a book we read about a couple who took their goat to the breeder, held the goat in place while the boy goat did his duty, then packed up and took the girl home, and 5 months later had baby goats?
Last year, we sat on pins and needles, waiting for the event to happen, wishing I had popcorn for the show, and then…NOTHING. Not even a whiff of attraction. Just. Nothing.
Well, yesterday proved to be more of the movie going experience I had anticipated. Complete with goat sound effects and two children ooing and aahing.
Worth every penny. But, still no popcorn. Popcorn at the ringside would have just been weird. And stinky.
Have you ever smelled a boy goat “with nuts,” as my 7-year-old likes to say? It’s not even like you have to get up close and take a deep breath in. It’s pretty much that when you drive onto the property, if the wind is blowing even softly in your direction, you KNOW there is a buck on scene.
I’ll attempt a description: Drop a big, ugly (in many cases), hairy, intact male goat into a vat of urine and semen. NOTE: His own urine and semen. Be sure the liquids completely saturate his hair and soak into every pore of his skin. Deep into his very being. It’s important. It must be done or else the ladies just might not think he’s worthy.
And, in case you’re not around bucks much, I’m not kidding about the urine and semen part. Okay, you don’t drop them in a pot of it, but they do the honors themselves. They spray themselves with the offending substances from the wagging pencil that frequently appears between their back legs.
Wagging. Pencil. Not kidding there either. All of the sudden, this shiny, red protrusion zooms out of the otherwise hairy lump on their underside. And, wags. And, sprays. So much that the breeder warned us that we better back away from the fence because he REALLY DOES SPRAY. And, my two boys and I were in the line of fire.
But, it’s hard to pull yourself away from the fence. It has become quite a show.
Our two unsuspecting goats, Canela and Lucy, were loosed in the pen with the sire of their future children.
Now, the play by play, in real time:
Canela is interested. Lucy is not. He goes for Canela. Lucy backs herself into a corner thinking, WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS CREATURE and WHY AM I HERE?????? Canela has no issues with the whole situation, and allows him to slink up next to her like a greasy used car salesman.
There’s a noise that bucks make when around the women…which makes them that much MORE attractive than their cologne already does. Pretend you’re Jim Carey. Make your face get really flexible and rubbery so that it can do whatever you want it to. Now, with your mouth and cheeks loose, turn your head violently side to side. Your lips and cheeks should begin flapping. At the same time, make a deep, throaty, gutteral noise while you wap your tongue up and down. Curl your top lip up and cock your chin and nose forward a bit as if searching for a curious smell on a faint breeze. Do this ALL at the same time.
You are now a boy goat with nuts. (Minus the head shaking back and forth part, that was just to produce the exact sound effects.)
Still in boy goat character, stomp one of your front feet in the dirt a few times and kick up a little dust. Do the sound effects (instructions above) while rubbing your greasy, stinky head on your insta-girlfriend’s neck. Pretend like you are biting her a little bit. That seems to really drive her crazy. Pop the pencil out (if it hasn’t already been out for the last five minutes), stomp, round your back getting ready to mount, and launch! Try to land squarely on her. If not, you’ll have to repeat the process 27 more times.
And, voila! It is finished.
Or, maybe not.
The girls will actually spend 40 days at the breeder’s just to ensure their time with the buck is successful. Does (girl goats) cycle (go into heat) every 18-21 days. and the breeder wants to make sure this is not just a flash in the pan but that some real live babies will come out of our mamas in 5 months.
So, there ya have it. Goat breeding at its best. And funniest. And weirdest. And smelliest.
Anyone wonder anymore why WE don’t keep our own breeding buck?
Just to recap, in case you missed it: They stink. They’re gross. They’re loud. They’re ugly. They’re weird. And, they stink. Again.
But, that’s just my opinion.
- The Goat Cheese Lady